This will be the first post after nearly...a year, maybe even more. So much has happened, so many heartaches and pains...those are things I have no interest in reliving. Oh knowing me, I will mention them in spurts but for now there will be no updates as to my disappearance.
Recently, a new group of people who have read my writing have inspired me to take the reappearance into the world of blogs a bit more seriously although I have been pondering the possibility for quite some time anyhow. A combination of laziness and apathy was mostly to blame for the MIA status but, well how much longer can I use this excuse? In particular when I know that I love blogging and that for me, it is my ultimate release? Even P asks me often why I don't blog anymore, not that he read it or anything like that. He usually receives crickets and a blank stare in response.
So now, yeah okay well I'm back and I would like to think with some sort of fire in my belly or equal vengeance but I'm afraid the fire has been extinguished with a big dose of harsh reality or possibly only on pilot light...frankly not sure yet. What I do know is that I need to amp it all up, get it going. In fact, no not just the fire, but my life in general. I need to turn it all around and make it work for me.
Yesterday as I was wandering listlessly around the city, trying to catch a breath of air in this choking heat, I realized (no, not a revelation at all but more like reminded myself) that I was no longer....me. Truthfully, the woman who wrote these past blogs was a person who often found humor in everything she saw/did. She had insight and a sense of joy regarding life in general but she is truly no longer present and she most certainly isn't writing this blog at this very moment. No, she is now walking around with a perpetual frown on her face. Every day there is an ever present crease of the brow, a lowering of the gaze, and a glare to the ground. No one approaches me anymore, even though sometimes tentative smiles are thrown my way. Those go fully ignored. But that wasn't me before, not totally.
No, I had (and yes, the word 'had' is being used in the past-tense on purpose) a verve for life that others admired...or at least I was told of the admiration. I used to laugh quickly, cry from the heart ...and loved fiercely. My laughter has long since died, the tears are ever present but not because of empathy or sympathy but because of a soulful pain I can't express to others, and love...it's nothing but a myth.
Maybe blogging again can somehow put things straight? Or am I kidding myself here? I don't know, there are no guarantees. I will try...that's it. My resolve: Blog for me...write for me...purge myself of my demons somehow and try to find, I first wrote "happiness" but backspaced, maybe peace. I really just don't know.
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1 comment:
Please continue to write. It will come back to you.
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