I hate me

I am the weakest person alive. I am my own worst enemy. I do not believe I deserve happiness because if I did, I would not live the life I presently do.

Why do I feel like I need to find more strength to stand up for those things that I believe in, for those things that I want? Why do I allow people to walk over me? Why do I walk with a sense of inadequacy? Why can’t I accept me for the person I am? Why do I look at the world with such envy because I do not have what others have? Oh I’m not talking about material things. No, I’m thinking of far more immature things such as excitement, popularity, recognition…and not even the kind of recognition that’s good. I can’t explain.

I’m gripped by unhappiness again. I am uncomfortable in my being, sad and unsatisfied. I want to turn selfish. I want to not care about anyone else in this world but my DNA will not allow it. I hurt so badly sometimes. God why did you make me this way? Why can’t I turn around and walk away like so many others can? Why can’t I just forget and move on like so many others can? Why do I sit with myself, trying to be my own therapist, my own mother, my own sister, my own best friend? But my words are not comforting to me. They are only temporary salve on a hurt that runs a lot deeper.

I watch the world, the people around me and I think, we’re all so predisposed to being selfish, so why doesn’t it come easier to me? No matter what, I’m always considering, considering, considering. “What will this person think…How can I do that to that person…it wouldn’t be nice for me to say this even if I really want to....?”

My spirit is disquieted. It yearns for a moment when it feels whole. Worse of all, no one can make me whole. I know this. How can someone else make me feel whole when I can not make myself feel whole?

I hate me. Why don’t I just stop existing? I should be able to at least be allowed to put myself out of my misery. What’s the real purpose of being alive if one finds no true fulfillment from life? When did I screw up this bad? When did I f-up just this horribly that my spirit quakes from my inadequacies? I really hate me.