Angry Ranting

(Disclaimer: Normally I would do a total spell and grammar check on my posts but tonight I have absolutely no patience for such bullshit. Oh yeah, if you get easily offended by excessive use of foul language LOG OFF NOW!!!! Consider yourself warned. You're not going to like what I'm about to write.)

Do I look like some sort of inane stupid fuckwit who doesn't know her ass from her elbow? Do I look like someone who just sits there and is willing to get run over by anyone who has an opinion and a mouth for that matter? Do I appear to be the sort of woman who is so damn meek that she doesn't have a clue about her life and/or make decisions for herself? What exactly does the world see when they look at me? What do YOU see? From where I'm standing, I look like everything above and worse.

Stupid me. I just knew I should have rolled over and gone right back to sleep the minute I woke up this morning but damn it if the morning hadn't been deceptive. It looked totally fine to me. Work quickly proved me wrong, but again, deceptive. Nothing shocking happened until late in the afternoon when I found out that not only is HK a very likely possibility THIS FUCKING MONTH, but if we leave on the target date that they've tentatively set, I'll be missing Y and M's wedding. There is no fucking way I'm missing the wedding of two of my closest friends, not when I've a) looked forward to it for almost a fucking year but b) I also helped set them up.

As if all that wasn't bad enough (including the 2 new cases in my life) but here's the corker (YES I SAID CORKER…GET OVER IT) I had the most asinine conversation with someone who I certainly hope considers taking a long long LONG walk off a very short pier (not mature but I don't care). And to add total insult to fucking injury...I roll up to a red light near my neighborhood at the ungodly hour of 10 pm ON MY WAY HOME ON A FUCKING FRIDAY NIGHT (how unbelievably pathetic of me), look over and WHO...just guess WHO should be in the car right next to mine? Yeah...moron.

HELL...JUST HELL...GIVE ME A DAMN BREAK...REALLY...JUST ONE SMALL-ASS LITTLE TEENY TINY BREAK.

Enough with the contentions in life. Enough with the constant road blocks and worries and problems. When is it MY turn?

When do people just back the hell up off me and leave me alone?

You know what, I have no more patience left. None at all. I'm at ZERO right now. A great big ANDA (egg for those who don't know Hindi). No more Ms. Nice Person. The gloves have come off and I am now from here on out adopting the "I don't give a fuck about you" theory of life. You think I can't sustain it? Think again buddy. Don't you dare underestimate me.

I'm done with people looking at me as if I don't have a backbone, that I can't stand up for myself. Well if you think that, then go fuck yourself cause the difference between you and me is, I chose to not live in nastiness, bitterness and unhappiness. I chose to smile and make others smile. I chose to hide my pains because to what purpose should I run around telling every Tom, Dick and Dickweed what's going on in my life? I don't have to tell you shit. That's between me and my God. And I certainly know how to defend myself. Ask those who know me and have heard the proof of that for themselves. And just watch out, cause even though I do walk around with a smile plastered on my face and my lips shut against my initial instincts to protest or be nasty, that doesn't fucking mean that I'm going to sit back and be your goddamn punching bag. I've had enough of you underestimating me and looking at me as if I'm some sort of washcloth that you can use and toss aside.

WHO THE FUCKING HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? NO ONE. If I never see the likes of you again, it would be A-OK. In fact, I'll throw a fucking party in celebration...YOU ARE NOT INVITED.

I don't need this shit, not from you, not from anyone anymore. I have about all I can take. Not with everything that's happening right now in my life. I need to concentrate on what's important, like my sick Brother-in-law and figuring out how I'm going to get the massive amounts of work that I have to do, completed before boarding a plane for Honk-fucking-Kong.

What's lead me to all this anger? Not just that someone said something thoughtless and stupid, but that I was perceived in a way that I could never have even imagined. I was floored today. I was called 'self-absorbed' and to tell you the truth, I fell about 100 miles right out of the sky. Me? Self-absorbed? Am I? I mean I know all my faults; I'm the first goddamn person willing to admit to them, but fucking hell...self-absorbed? REALLY? I am so clueless that I've never thought...I mean...sure I've had those moments where I want to address my problems, but I've also always thought that I was pretty good at being there for my friends and sensitive to all those around me.

How dare you call me self-absorbed. Self-absorbed? Do you even know what the term means? DO YOU? NO, YOU DON'T cause if you did, then every time you looked into the goddamn mirror, you would SEE the true example of self-absorbed.

Yes, admittedly today I immediately launched into my problems with very little preamble but this was one of the first times when I decided to share a part of my worries with you. BIG MISTAKE. I should have know. Hell, I even told you that you always seem to be waiting in the wings just ready to pounce on me and beat me down for the slightest human emotion that I may emote. WTF. What is wrong with you? And what's wrong with me to think things may have changed, that you'd grown up and mature and fucking UNDERSTOOD. Hell, if there was something on your mind today, you could have just said so and worse of all the first time, and probably the only time in memory, I didn't ask you what was happening, sure enough something bad was happening with you and I'm sorry to have heard that. I wanted to be comforting to you but I felt too attacked to be comforting. I regretted that part of it when I was coming home because I'm a genuinely caring human being. So that I regret but nothing else. You were an ASSHOLE.

And you have been nothing but mean and spiteful to me for so damn long. I've been infinitely patient with you. Normally I would have looked at you, blinked, scoffed and walked away or ripped into you but still, for whatever reason I always kept quiet, kept things to myself, even when I was outraged or hurt or felt as if you ripped ME apart by your words. The sad thing is, to me you seem to be running around blaming me for all your ills in life, trying to convince yourself that I live the perfect life. Guess what Asshole...NO ONE lives a perfect life. I most definitely do not. We all have contentions but the thing is, I don't go around thinking 'mine is bigger than yours'. No, that's what you do...over and over and over again. Do you sit around loathing me for what I have and what you don't?

Get off your goddamn soap box.
Quit lecturing me.
I'm sick of lectures.

Here this: To all those people who seem to think that I have not an ounce of brains in my head, FUCK YOU AND KEEP YOUR UNWANTED, BELITTLING, CONDESCENDING ADVISE TO YOUR DAMN SELF.

Now, I'm going to scream my bloody head off into my pillow so that no one else can hear and wonder what the hell is wrong with me, then I'm going to try to rescue the little bit of my Friday night that is left.

*grabs pillow, buries face and screams*